Post Op, Reflections, and Deep Gratitude

I had my surgery on Friday, April 11th and everything went way better than expected.  The doctor was able to go in and take out the whole thyroid, the nodules and a couple of nodes.  The procedure was flawless and I was taken to the recovery room and then to my hospital room where I was able to get my clothes on, a couple cups of broth.  My voice was a little raspy and deeper but no big deal.  After a really good night of pain meds and a visit with the doctor my 5 day stay turned into less than a 24 hour stay.  Still sore but home I went. 

I was a little disappointed to be released so early.  I admit it.  I know they come in your room like every 40 minutes and wake you up to this and do that, but I was looking forward to just being able to chill out and really enjoy the pain meds that you can only get in the hospital.  I won't lie, I'm a wuss and I have no desire to be in any pain........EVER. I don't see why I need to be but being at home was a relief to my children and to my mother and for that reason only, being at home was the right place to be.

So the wait began.  It was funny, when the doctor said that we would have to wait maybe 10 days to get the path report, I chuckled on the inside.  Anyone who has ever had cancer knows that you never wait that long to hear back about bad results.  You always hear way sooner.  You want it to take a while to hear back.  The longer it takes the better the news will be. Well by Tuesday afternoon, the doctor called.  Great news, the cancer was there but with everything that he had cut out, they had clear margins and it looks good.  So good in fact that he sees no reason that I should have any forms of treat or even another surgery.  I will have to have a pet scan in a couple of weeks to confirm said results and then I will probably have one yearly for a little while to make sure. Otherwise, we are good to go.

So what does all of this mean?? It means we dodge a bullet.  If I can be completely honest here, it wasn't the cancer that concerned me.  I knew a lot about thyroid cancer and it's the cream puff of cancers.  I mean, seriously, if you have to have cancer, this is the one you want.  This one isn't a death sentence.  It is usually surgery, maybe radiation or radioactive pills\shots.  No problem.  For me, I hated going under the knife again.  Been here done this 5 times before.  So total, I have had 6 cancer surgeries.  I hate going under.  I hate being cut open. Talk about needing to trust the doctors and nurses.  Anything can and could go wrong in those simple procedures.  That's what had me so scared.  Just remember the little girl who went brain dead while having her tonsils removed.  I was terrified.  I am mother of 3 small children and a wife.......I had no time or desire for this.  My time here was not done. 

Before my surgery, I had taken the time to write my children, my husband and my mother a letter.  You want to talk about something that can absolutely crush your soul.  Try writing those letters.  The things I wanted them to know.  WOW, hands down one of the hardest things I have ever done.  You may wonder why I would do such a thing, well, why not?? I wanted to say things to each of them that not only did they need to hear but would help them grow and but they would have something for the rest of their lives to read, especially my children.  They were the ones I was most worried about.  Children don't remember these things when they are young.  Anyway, just know, it was challenging. Try it if you don't believe me.

With all of this, it was amazing to me how all the feelings of my first experience came flooding up to the surface.  Feelings and the experiences I had had were front and center again.  Was I so naive to think that I would never have to deal with them again?  I guess I was.  I was supposed to be celebrating my 10 years cancer free this year.  This was my anniversary.  I don't get to celebrate it.  That's ok, I guess.  I just thought it was all over.  Now I have been schooled and humbled.  I have read and caught up on the unknown "secondary cancers" that I have to look out for.  Next up on this list is breast cancer.  The main area that was radiated was my lungs and guess what is laying right there on top of my lungs.....these two things that men think are awesome and now I see them as just a time bomb.  I am not going to borrow trouble, but trust me, the girls will be scanned and checked without fail.  Every year, we will stay in front of this and hope and pray that even though my chances have increased, that the odds will be forever in my favor.

There are a lot of people who enjoy being a survivor and wear the scars as a badge of courage, even take pictures and post them. (Wait?? Did I do that??)  I don't do that.  I don't like looking at my scars.  I don't my scars on my back because I can't see them.  I don't have to acknowledge them.  This scar on my throat is a different story.  I hope that it will fade and eventually just blend in.  I don't want to recognize it for what it is.  I think we will have to come up with some fun story on how I got it. (taking ideas)

What I will end on is this thought, I cannot get over the over pouring support from my friends and family members.  The love that I have felt through all of this was overwhelming.  The prayers, the cards, notes, treats, and just words of encouragement, the willingness of others to drop everything and come and help me touched me so greatly.  You all were the reason I had the strength of will to get through this because I knew that if something did happen to me, my husband and my children would have so many people to love them and help them.  You wonder what would happen if you were no longer here and for me I knew that they would be ok.  (I have no idea what you all must be thinking as you are reading my innermost thoughts, but just go with it.) 

I haven't always made the right choices in life, or always said the right things but whatever I did, I made the right friends and I have the best family in the world. If I ever have to go through any of this ever again, and I pray that I don't, I will not be afraid.  You all have shown me that with your love and friendship coupled with the love, comfort and peace from Heavenly Father, we can get through anything,...................anything,

From my heart to yours....... Thank you.

New Adventure ~~~ or Major Inconvenience

 The following was written

Apr 5, 2014 5:35pm

I sit here in my bed with so many thoughts running through my head. Where do I start, how did I get here again? I can't even answer my own questions. I think to myself, haven't we done this already?? Haven't we gotten past this??? Well there is this sneaky little thing called, "secondary cancers" and if you're wondering what that is, when you fight your first cancer, you use whatever means to fight and win and beat the s.o.b. but you run the risk of setting yourself up for a another cancer.  That's what we did, we fought the good fight. I voluntarily went into the vault and I danced with Chernobyl because I had no choice. If I didn't dance with Chernobyl (radiation) this cancer was going to come back in my lungs and my. I was 28, celebrating my second wedding anniversary  and loving on my beautiful baby boy. I put on my dancing shoes and I danced.

Today, I'm up against thyroid cancer.I have had thyroid problems before my cancer and after the radiation, it completely shut down. The radiation spilled into the thyroid and it shut down. I have been seeing an endocrinologist ever since. You can live without your thyroid and you can take medications that will do the some thing and be almost 100%. Nothing is as good as the real thing.  Five years ago, my doctor had an ultra-sound done of my thyroid and we knew nodules had started to form. Too small to do anything but watch them. In January, I went to my doctor and he ordered another ultra-sound.  The thyroid now has become my secondary cancer. I have tumors  growing on my thyroid. One in particular is rather large. The doctor didn't even want to biopsy it. He looked over the amount of radiation I had been exposed to and thought that poking the belly of the beast wasn't in my best interest.

I go in for surgery next Friday, April 11th. It's a 4 hour procedure with two doctors.  They are going to take out my whole entire thyroid and any nodes that look suspicious near by and obviously the tumor.  This is all very close to my vocal chords, so they have to be really careful. I will be in the hospital for about 5 days, and I won't be able to talk for 2-3 days.

We do not know which cancer it is, it's one of two possibilities. As for treatments it depends on which of the two cancers it is. At worst it would be radioactive capsules known as R-131 and I would go into isolation for a week.  I can't get near anyone.

I share are this with you all because you are my friends and I can't have this conversation with you individually because I really can't and don't want to talk about it.  I will keep you updated.

The great news, I am going to live. It's just another little something something that we have to deal with and get through.  I am mad and sad all wrapped up into one. Please keep my family in your prayers. I worry more about how my mother and my children are going to take this than I worry about me.

The one thing that really really frosts my flakes is the budding singing career that I was starting will never happen now.......and let's not even talk about my lucrative career with my 900 number. My voice will never be the same again after friday.

Love to you all and NO SADNESS!!!

My Cancer Backstory

My Cancer Story

I wrote the following June 30, 2009: 

It has taken me a few days to really wrap my head around all the great news and feelings of relief that I have felt surrounding my health situation. Probably going to be a long entry, but this is, I guess, more for me than for anyone else. It is funny how things in life unfold. It is even more impressive when given the time and space to look back and see what actions, words and experience come to shape the people we become.

Six years ago, maybe even 7, a wife in our squadron was diagnosed with cancer, leukemia to be exact. The wives in the squadron really did an incredible job rallying around her and her family. One day I ran into the lady and her husband in Walmart and I asked her, what could I do for her and she said, "Find some way to help someone else who doesn't have the support group that we (her family) have." I thought about it a lot and one day I made a call to the American Cancer Society and asked how could I be of help? What could I do?

That lead me to one of the most amazing things that I have ever done. I helped to start up the Road to Recovery for the two counties there in Florida. It was ACS's program where volunteer drivers would go and pick up people and take them to their chemo/radiation appointments. Most of these people were alone and didn't have a car or the means to take public transportation. We started this program with 5 drivers and by the time I left it was running with 25 drivers and we had driven more than 500 patients. Mind you all of this was before I had a clue about myself. I still remember the people that I drove and I would think to myself, "How did you get here? All alone and dying." There were many times my heart was torn apart when I met these people.

Anyway, about 4 months into volunteering at the ACS, it was discovered that I had a cancerous tumor growing in my back. Liposarcoma. You know things aren't good when your doctor calls you and leaves 4 numbers where to call him back. I spoke with him on the phone and I can't even begin to tell you how I felt. Scared and very mortal I guess would sum it up. I called my sister. She was the strongest person I knew that could help me get a grip before I told anyone else. I didn't have any answers I just knew that I had something pretty major about to happen to me.

Liposarcomas are usually found in the arms and legs. Very rare to have them in the torso. You know me, I can't fit in the norm box..........always have to be different. After 5 surgeries, and months of healing, I moved to Birmingham to begin radiation. The radiation machine I needed was in Birmingham and not in Pensacola.

At first, it was more humiliating than anything. You had to lay on a table undressed while they fit you in this mold so you would line up just right with the radiation machine. Sharpie markers were the nurses best friend. I looked like their art project. (I opted out of the tattoos.) The humiliation eventually gave way to the pain. I won't lie, it hurt. I was burned over 70% of my back. The radiation was burning the skin and it was gross and painful.

The hardest part and the most wonderful part was that I had Mitch with me. He was 18 months old and he was the reason I was able to get through the days up there. Unfortunately, I ended up being there by myself about half way through. My mom had been there for a few weeks before she was called away to help with my brother. Steve would come up on Fridays evenings and leave on Sundays. Then after 8 weeks, every day, of highly aggressive radiation treatments, I was allowed to go home. I had survived the hardest part they said. It took my back another 4 months to completely heal.

The hardest part for me wasn't the radiation, though it was painful, it was the going back to make sure that the cancer didn't come back. For the next 2 years, I went back every 6 months. They would inject a contrast dye in your blood system and you could feel it move through your body. It was so warm and it had a bad taste. The bad part about liposarcomas is though they start as a tumor, if it returns, it comes back in the lungs and in the brain. Lungs first and then it will move up to the brain. I held my breath every time always wondering, is this it???? Will this trip be the moment that they tell me it didn't work that it has returned? Those are the thoughts and moments that I found to be the hardest.

The next three years, I only had to go once a year. Last week, June 23, 2009, I was told that it was over. My scans were clean and the lungs were clear. They saw no signs of anything. As my doctor said these words, the tears started to flow. I cried once in the beginning and then I found myself crying at the end. It was over. Everything we had done to fight this had worked. (And I have the scars to prove it!!! Now on to the plastic surgeon, right???? RIGHT!!!)

For whatever reason, we are all given different things in our lives to overcome or just come to terms with. I never knew that day in Walmart when I promised Rosie I would help, that in the end, I would also be helping myself. It was because of Rosie, that I became involved in the ACS, and then it was with the help of ACS's information that I was able to make desicions and understand what my doctors needed me to do. It was the patients and their stories of hope and strength that gave me hope and gave me an understanding of what I was about to go through. It was my faith that let me know that no matter what the outcome, that my family would be together forever one day. To say that I feel humble or gratitude is an understatement. Maybe I am being a little over the top, I should have stayed in drama, I think I really do have a flair for it, but I get it now. I get life and I get what matters. I get what is really important and what isn't. The whole love, hope, and charity makes a world of sense to me now and I hope that I can continue with this knowledge and understanding.

Today I get to be me for another day and I feel free.

Politics and Me

I am sure that it has not escaped anyone's attention to how passionate I am about Politics.  I love government and I have loved politics my whole life.  My mom introduced me to my passion.  I remember listening to Rush Limbaugh when he first started his show.  I remember wanting to be a "Rush Babe" because I just thought he was so cool. Because my mother was so involved in politics, I was exposed to so many things.  She ran a campaign for a man running for the House of Representatives for the State of Virginia, which I got to go along for that ride.  She helped run the campaign for George Allen when he was a congressman.  I was able to meet and work for his campaign as well, Congressman Allen later became Governor of Virginia and then a Senator.  He lost his re-election campaign 6 years ago, but is now in a very tight senate race and looks like he is going to win.

With my mother so heavily involved in Virginia politics.....my passions were fueled and fired up.  I have met an array of neat people, Sen. John Warner, Oliver North, Congressman Virgil Goode,  I have had dinner at his home,  First Lady Barbara Bush, Senator George Allen, Sentator Orrin Hatch, Pat Buchanan, his sister Bay Buchanan, and there are others whose names are escaping at the moment.  I have been to the Virginal Republican Conventions where on several occasions I served as a page.  I got to know Henry Hagar, who later married Jenna Bush, very well as we paged together at the conventions.  I had gotten bit by the political bug.  At one of these conventions, I was Oliver North's personal page that year when he ran for the Senate seat and that was a thrill. I believe I was 16.

With all of that, I think the greatest thing I was able to witness at a young age was the power that women had and have in the political movement.  My introduction to the VFRW, Virginia Federation of Republican Women and the NFRW, the National Federation of Republican Women.  Ladies, never underestimate the power you have.  Before candidates would even consider running for any office, they would visit these groups and test out the waters.  It was here they would either make it or bust.  Women are very good at many things but picking out winners and working hard to get them elected was their best attributes.  I was able to see these strong, smart, and hardworking women at their best and I knew that I wanted to be like them.  All of this was the example that my mother had set for me. 

In my senior year of high school, I brought the Young Republican club back from extinction.  We raised money for local and state candidates and even hosted a dinner for Rep. Allen Dudley.  I will never forget my Civics teacher that year, Mr. Jerry Saleeby.  He was a blue dog democrat through and through.  We debated almost everyday.  It was awesome.  Later he would write in my year book that he didn't have another student who had ever made him go home and study up in current events the way that I had.  He knew that he needed to be ready because I would be ready.  I really liked his class......and yes, I did get an A.

So why share all of this? I wanted you to know why I love politics and why it flows through my blood.  It is my passion and will make no apologies for it.

Motherhood.......Not yo average "Hood"

Where to begin.... Motherhood...not yo average hood.. Recently, I am now the mother of a fourth grader, a kindergartener, and a beautiful 19 month old little girl.  It is so crazy how just 10, almost 11 years ago, I started this journey.

Motherhood.....well it isn't what I imagined it would be growing up.  Talk about grand illusions........not all the time but sometimes.  Everyday Steve comes home and asks me what have I done today.  Anymore that question is just torture.  How many times can I say, "oh you know, made beds, laundry, put away clothes, vacuumed, cleaned toilets, made breakfast and lunch, let the dog out, took out the cat, watered the plants, dug through junk under the beds, stepped on little sharps hidden objects in the carpet that made me say things I ought not too, cleaned out the fridge, collected the trash, changed light bulbs, changed gross diapers, brought the dog back inside because he won't shut up and somewhere in all of that, I also talked on the phone, listened to talk radio, got mad at some stupid political story, got mad at something I read on Facebook, got jealous of something I read on Facebook, laughed at something I read on Facebook, and fixed myself up just to spend an hour with you before the evening festivities of children's after school activities begin. Then to the homework and getting everyone fed and in bed for the night." That's my day dear.... I love it even more when the followup question comes, "What are you going to do tomorrow??" Sometimes I feel like saying, "Oh well Richard Branson is going to pick me up and we are going to the moon! But don't worry, I'll be back in time for dinner," or maybe I could say, "I'll be on Dancing with the stars tonight, so please, don't wait up."

Motherhood is a challenge.  It is a challenge in making sure that our minds are still getting stimulated in the right ways.  It is a challenge to still be current, relevant. interesting and still looking good.  Please don't get me wrong, I love my children.....I am grateful everyday for every single kiss, hug, and milestone they achieve. I wouldn't trade this for anything...........but some days are harder than others. I have found that raising children can be very isolating.  I know that I am not the only mother out there feeling this way.

Well while I mull all that around, here are the three little squirts that get the best of me in the mean time!

Mitch, 4th grade, age 9

Abigail, Kindergarten, age 5

Alexandra,  19 months

What A Blessing....

This past Sunday we had our little Alexandra blessed.  In the Mormon church, a blessing is when we give the child a name that they will be known as on church records and then give them a blessing that they may have a health, happiness, a desire to know and follow the Lord's commandments and so forth. 

Backing up a little,  when I first heard that we were moving to Salt Lake City, Utah, I really thought the Navy was crazy for sending us here. I mean, who even knew that Utah had any Navy out here.  These were not orders that we had asked for but had somehow landed in our laps.  Now after being here for 10 months, I absolutely see that the Navy had nothing to do with this but the Lord did.  I believe that the Lord moves us around and puts us in certain places sometimes for not only our benefit but for the benefit of others.  I know this is true and we are here for Family.  I needed to be near my family just as much as they needed us to be here for them.

This past Sunday touched my heart and the feelings of strength and gratitude that I have for my Heavenly Father have been deepened.  Having Jason bless our daughter was so special and wonderful to me . Jason and I have always had a special relationship and I loved that he was able to step in and bless little Zanie with health, peace, and the desire to know our Heavenly Father. 

After church, we were able to all come back to our home where we had a little get together.  I had my Aunt, dear sweet family friends, and my family there.  I loved every minute of it.  Though I know that this is just temporary, this is going to be a great 3 years.  I am going to miss this place and moving from here is going to break my heart, but in the mean time, I am going to love every minute of it!!!

My living doll.

A Mommy and Zanie moment.

Sunless Tanning Cream.....

As most of you know that when it comes to a tan, I am a little "challenged." I am either white or red but never that golden in between color.  So for the last several years I have relied on the makers of Sublime Tan by Loreal.  This year they decided to stop making their wonderful tanning cream forcing me to find another brand.  Well I bought Jergens the other day and last night I decided to not only try it out but to apply two coats. This morning I woke up, looked in the mirror, and this is how I felt. :)

I am thinking this isn't a good look for me.......

Dental visit and bad fillings........

So great, I go to the dentist today to get my six month check up only to confirm what I already knew, I have five teeth with bad fillings that need to be replaced.  I knew when the lady in New Orleans filled my cavities that she didn't do a good job to begin with.  I have had problems ever since.  So now the solution is to have all five fillings replaced.

Well I am tough, I can do this.  I have scheduled all five to be done at the same time. Maybe I am crazy.....I think I should call the bad dentist and tell her she's a bad dentist but I probably won't.  On a side note, Abby had her first visit today and she did more talking than the dentist did looking at her teeth.  Abby had them all laughing and she was just the cutest thing.  She was telling them all of our family secrets.  My favorite line was when she informed the dentist that he was bigger than her dad, meaning he was overweight but then it also made me laugh when she told everyone that mommy has hissy fits.  I unfortunately couldn't defend myself because they were cleaning my teeth.  I am grateful they didn't ask her any embarrassing questions........Abby would have answered.

So a great 2 hour dental visit I have to look forward too.  Yeah!!! Now if that doesn't sound like fun I don't know what does.  But hey, I did get free teeth whiten procedure out of it!! :)

I'm a GLEEK.......Are You??

Ok, let's just say that I love the show Glee!!  I don't always like the story lines, they push the envelope on many issues.  But what I do love is the singing.  With me they have managed to do exactly what they have set out to do.........they wanted to bring out the inner singing diva.  What they didn't count on was that I really can't carry a tune, well I can on some notes... :0) What I love the most is that Abby is a little singing diva.  She has learned to get my ipod, put it on the speakers and turn on our favorite glee music.  She sings and dances along and I have to say that is the best moment.  I love it!!

Below are a few Glee songs that I love to listen too.  They make cleaning the house, doing the laundry, and other chores just a little more fun.  Enjoy the music collection. I hope they make a "Gleek" out of you too!!

Easter Weekend

Well finally Steve had a weekend off and we were able to do things as a family.  It started off getting the children new bikes. Are you kidding me?? When did kids bikes get so pimped out?? I remember thinking I was really cool with a basket on the front.  Never did I have the sparkling wheels, light up helmet, the streamers on the handle bars, the honking horn, or the little bell thing plus a cute zip up bag in the front.  I am only talking about Abby's bike.  Then Mitch's bike looks like a normal bike, if you think all the jazz around the wheels is normal.

Anyway, we get the bikes and Mitch does a great job going from the brakes being on the pedals to the brakes being on the handle bars.  Abby on the other hand, well she was more interested in blowing the horn and looking at it than really learning how to ride it.  But she looked really cute in her light up helmet. :)

After biking, Steve and I decided to walk to the store to get PCD's (Perfectly calibrated drinks) that's what I call a great drink.  When the syrup and the carbonation is just right and you get a great diet coke or diet mountain dew.  I know you all have had a bad drink where it's mostly carbonation.....So anyway, we walk 3 miles to go get our PCD's and treats.  It was the first time really using our double stroller for Abby and Alexandra. That thing was a pain to push up hill.  Seriously I decided at that point to let Steve do the work.......I mean he is the man, right?? right!!

The weekend was awesome. The Easter Bunny made a visit Saturday night and the children were very happy with their treats.  Stupid bunny, he brought WAY TOO MUCH candy.  I'll have to send him a note about that next year.  Oh and just so you know, I desperately tried to get pictures of Mitch but he either acts goofy or just won't let me take his picture.  So don't think I don't try to add him, he just makes it really difficult.  Here are some pictures of the girls.  They are so cute.

 

   

 

 

 

 

 

I'm Finally Me......

It is safe to say that I am finally me again.  2010 was a hormonal roller coaster. Really in all seriousness, it was. Up one day and down the next.  Having a miscarriage in the spring, Easter time actually, then getting pregnant again right after. Having a wonderful pregnancy to the post pregnancy time, I can honestly say that the brain is finally synapsing and the hormones have calmed down. (Steve will agree with that.)

It is or was frustrating is not being able to put a sentence together, go to speak and the words just aren't there, walking into rooms and you don't even know why you are in there.  Really it gives you a strange sense of what being insane might be like. 

Let's not even get started about what physically happens to your body when you do get pregnant and when it is all over.  I will say this though, in the last several days it has really hit me that this chapter of my life is over. No more will I get to experience the excitement of a positive pregnancy stick, the feels of the butterfly movements in the belly from the baby, the little kicks and hiccups while they are in there.  The excitement of the birth and then holding that precious little one in my arms.  Words can never fully express the joy of those moments.  It makes me sad.  Time goes by too fast. 

Steve and I have 3 beautiful children and I love them.  We have great times to look forward too and more milestones to cross, however,  I can't help but think what it would be like to have one more. Oh well, I guess there is always adoption!!

Today as I sit here making doctors appointments and dental appointments and getting the schedules all worked out. Maybe there is something to be said for organization, clear thoughts, and being on top of all the little things going on.  It's good to be me.

Alexandra, Lexie, Ally or Zanie Smiles!!

Well my little girl is 10 weeks or 2 1/2 months now and she is so stinking cute!! The smiles are really getting started and the cooing is adorable.  I thought I would just share a few pictures of her first smile.  Abby is able to make her smile the most.  Abby really loves her little sister.  It is really sweet to watch the two girls together.  I have a feeling they are going to be the best of friends.