Post Op, Reflections, and Deep Gratitude

I had my surgery on Friday, April 11th and everything went way better than expected.  The doctor was able to go in and take out the whole thyroid, the nodules and a couple of nodes.  The procedure was flawless and I was taken to the recovery room and then to my hospital room where I was able to get my clothes on, a couple cups of broth.  My voice was a little raspy and deeper but no big deal.  After a really good night of pain meds and a visit with the doctor my 5 day stay turned into less than a 24 hour stay.  Still sore but home I went. 

I was a little disappointed to be released so early.  I admit it.  I know they come in your room like every 40 minutes and wake you up to this and do that, but I was looking forward to just being able to chill out and really enjoy the pain meds that you can only get in the hospital.  I won't lie, I'm a wuss and I have no desire to be in any pain........EVER. I don't see why I need to be but being at home was a relief to my children and to my mother and for that reason only, being at home was the right place to be.

So the wait began.  It was funny, when the doctor said that we would have to wait maybe 10 days to get the path report, I chuckled on the inside.  Anyone who has ever had cancer knows that you never wait that long to hear back about bad results.  You always hear way sooner.  You want it to take a while to hear back.  The longer it takes the better the news will be. Well by Tuesday afternoon, the doctor called.  Great news, the cancer was there but with everything that he had cut out, they had clear margins and it looks good.  So good in fact that he sees no reason that I should have any forms of treat or even another surgery.  I will have to have a pet scan in a couple of weeks to confirm said results and then I will probably have one yearly for a little while to make sure. Otherwise, we are good to go.

So what does all of this mean?? It means we dodge a bullet.  If I can be completely honest here, it wasn't the cancer that concerned me.  I knew a lot about thyroid cancer and it's the cream puff of cancers.  I mean, seriously, if you have to have cancer, this is the one you want.  This one isn't a death sentence.  It is usually surgery, maybe radiation or radioactive pills\shots.  No problem.  For me, I hated going under the knife again.  Been here done this 5 times before.  So total, I have had 6 cancer surgeries.  I hate going under.  I hate being cut open. Talk about needing to trust the doctors and nurses.  Anything can and could go wrong in those simple procedures.  That's what had me so scared.  Just remember the little girl who went brain dead while having her tonsils removed.  I was terrified.  I am mother of 3 small children and a wife.......I had no time or desire for this.  My time here was not done. 

Before my surgery, I had taken the time to write my children, my husband and my mother a letter.  You want to talk about something that can absolutely crush your soul.  Try writing those letters.  The things I wanted them to know.  WOW, hands down one of the hardest things I have ever done.  You may wonder why I would do such a thing, well, why not?? I wanted to say things to each of them that not only did they need to hear but would help them grow and but they would have something for the rest of their lives to read, especially my children.  They were the ones I was most worried about.  Children don't remember these things when they are young.  Anyway, just know, it was challenging. Try it if you don't believe me.

With all of this, it was amazing to me how all the feelings of my first experience came flooding up to the surface.  Feelings and the experiences I had had were front and center again.  Was I so naive to think that I would never have to deal with them again?  I guess I was.  I was supposed to be celebrating my 10 years cancer free this year.  This was my anniversary.  I don't get to celebrate it.  That's ok, I guess.  I just thought it was all over.  Now I have been schooled and humbled.  I have read and caught up on the unknown "secondary cancers" that I have to look out for.  Next up on this list is breast cancer.  The main area that was radiated was my lungs and guess what is laying right there on top of my lungs.....these two things that men think are awesome and now I see them as just a time bomb.  I am not going to borrow trouble, but trust me, the girls will be scanned and checked without fail.  Every year, we will stay in front of this and hope and pray that even though my chances have increased, that the odds will be forever in my favor.

There are a lot of people who enjoy being a survivor and wear the scars as a badge of courage, even take pictures and post them. (Wait?? Did I do that??)  I don't do that.  I don't like looking at my scars.  I don't my scars on my back because I can't see them.  I don't have to acknowledge them.  This scar on my throat is a different story.  I hope that it will fade and eventually just blend in.  I don't want to recognize it for what it is.  I think we will have to come up with some fun story on how I got it. (taking ideas)

What I will end on is this thought, I cannot get over the over pouring support from my friends and family members.  The love that I have felt through all of this was overwhelming.  The prayers, the cards, notes, treats, and just words of encouragement, the willingness of others to drop everything and come and help me touched me so greatly.  You all were the reason I had the strength of will to get through this because I knew that if something did happen to me, my husband and my children would have so many people to love them and help them.  You wonder what would happen if you were no longer here and for me I knew that they would be ok.  (I have no idea what you all must be thinking as you are reading my innermost thoughts, but just go with it.) 

I haven't always made the right choices in life, or always said the right things but whatever I did, I made the right friends and I have the best family in the world. If I ever have to go through any of this ever again, and I pray that I don't, I will not be afraid.  You all have shown me that with your love and friendship coupled with the love, comfort and peace from Heavenly Father, we can get through anything,...................anything,

From my heart to yours....... Thank you.