I am Free and I am Me

It has taken me a few days to really wrap my head around all the great news and feelings of relief that I have felt surrounding my health situation. Probably going to be a long entry, but this is, I guess, more for me than for anyone else. It is funny how things in life unfold. It is even more impressive when given the time and space to look back and see what actions, words and experience come to shape the people we become.

Six years ago, maybe even 7, a wife in our squadron was diagnosed with cancer, leukemia to be exact. The wives in the squadron really did an incredible job rallying around her and her family. One day I ran into the lady and her husband in Walmart and I asked her, what could I do for her and she said, "Find some way to help someone else who doesn't have the support group that we (her family) have." I thought about it a lot and one day I made a call to the American Cancer Society and asked how could I be of help? What could I do?

That lead me to one of the most amazing things that I have ever done. I helped to start up the Road to Recovery for the two counties there in Florida. It was ACS's program where volunteer drivers would go and pick up people and take them to their chemo/radiation appointments. Most of these people were alone and didn't have a car or the means to take public transportation. We started this program with 5 drivers and by the time I left it was running with 25 drivers and we had driven more than 500 patients. Mind you all of this was before I had a clue about myself. I still remember the people that I drove and I would think to myself, "How did you get here? All alone and dying." There were many times my heart was torn apart when I met these people.

Anyway, about 4 months into volunteering at the ACS, it was discovered that I had a cancerous tumor growing in my back. Liposarcoma. You know things aren't good when your doctor calls you and leaves 4 numbers where to call him back. I spoke with him on the phone and I can't even begin to tell you how I felt. Scared and very mortal I guess would sum it up. I called my sister. She was the strongest person I knew that could help me get a grip before I told anyone else. I didn't have any answers I just knew that I had something pretty major about to happen to me.

Liposarcomas are usually found in the arms and legs. Very rare to have them in the torso. You know me, I can't fit in the norm box..........always have to be different. After 5 surgeries, and months of healing, I moved to Birmingham to begin radiation. The radiation machine I needed was in Birmingham and not in Pensacola.

At first, it was more humiliating than anything. You had to lay on a table undressed while they fit you in this mold so you would line up just right with the radiation machine. Sharpie markers were the nurses best friend. I looked like their art project. (I opted out of the tattoos.) The humiliation eventually gave way to the pain. I won't lie, it hurt. I was burned over 70% of my back. The radiation was burning the skin and it was gross and painful.

The hardest part and the most wonderful part was that I had Mitch with me. He was 18 months old and he was the reason I was able to get through the days up there. Unfortunately, I ended up being there by myself about half way through. My mom had been there for a few weeks before she was called away to help with my brother. Steve would come up on Fridays evenings and leave on Sundays. Then after 8 weeks, every day, of highly aggressive radiation treatments, I was allowed to go home. I had survived the hardest part they said. It took my back another 4 months to completely heal.

The hardest part for me wasn't the radiation, though it was painful, it was the going back to make sure that the cancer didn't come back. For the next 2 years, I went back every 6 months. They would inject a contrast dye in your blood system and you could feel it move through your body. It was so warm and it had a bad taste. The bad part about liposarcomas is though they start as a tumor, if it returns, it comes back in the lungs and in the brain. Lungs first and then it will move up to the brain. I held my breath every time always wondering, is this it???? Will this trip be the moment that they tell me it didn't work that it has returned? Those are the thoughts and moments that I found to be the hardest.

The next three years, I only had to go once a year. Last week, June 23, 2009, I was told that it was over. My scans were clean and the lungs were clear. They saw no signs of anything. As my doctor said these words, the tears started to flow. I cried once in the beginning and then I found myself crying at the end. It was over. Everything we had done to fight this had worked. (And I have the scars to prove it!!! Now on to the plastic surgeon, right???? RIGHT!!!)

For whatever reason, we are all given different things in our lives to overcome or just come to terms with. I never knew that day in Walmart when I promised Rosie I would help, that in the end, I would also be helping myself. It was because of Rosie, that I became involved in the ACS, and then it was with the help of ACS's information that I was able to make desicions and understand what my doctors needed me to do. It was the patients and their stories of hope and strength that gave me hope and gave me an understanding of what I was about to go through. It was my faith that let me know that no matter what the outcome, that my family would be together forever one day. To say that I feel humble or gratitude is an understatement. Maybe I am being a little over the top, I should have stayed in drama, I think I really do have a flair for it, but I get it now. I get life and I get what matters. I get what is really important and what isn't. The whole love, hope, and charity makes a world of sense to me now and I hope that I can continue with this knowledge and understanding.

Today I get to be me for another day and I feel free.